I don’t have children, but I do read Darwin and I know that our species is governed by a set of laws inherent in our biology (OMG, no kids & no religion … I’m going to hell!) Children have a sub-set of these laws and I took the time in Cro-land to watch the behaviour of young children to understand the laws that cross cultures and languages and how this all mixes when away from their natural habitats. I have concluded that young children are much more adaptive than their parents and that parents (who have clearly not read Darwin) are continually trying to assert their own behaviours in the face of these implacable natural laws. Parents trying to change the outcomes of these laws may as well be trying to bump their collective bums against the moon.

From my observations it is clear: a set of laws exist to which ALL young children adhere. I believe that if you look closely at the base of their necks you will find a little lump – this is a micro-chip. This has not been implanted by aliens (what a stupid idea!) rather, children are born with this little chip and it contains the Laws. As they age the chip naturally dissolves into their systems, hence the changes in behaviour seen in the tweens that escalate into ‘mayhemus extremus’ during adolescence.

If you are seeking a stress-free, yell-free travel experience it is the wise parent who understands the laws:

Children cannot function in the rigid climes of the pointy end of the plane (airlines assiduously adhere to this law and I saw very few small people and, now I look back, even those may have been midgets)
They will always pick their noses that’s why they have small fingers
It does not matter if your hire car has wiz-bang entertainment technology in the headrest – children are wired to punch, pull-hair and argue with their siblings as soon as they are shackled to a car seat
They will, in plain sight of everyone, wee in the ocean, in the pool, in the exclusive ocean spa that you have paid 100 euro to enjoy
If they are pooped, they are pooped and no amount of cajoling or bribes will de-poop them
Children are born with a separate pouch in their stomachs for lollies – it is never full
No amount of yelling will make children kiss your old witch Cro-lady rellie – this is part of a natural survival instinct known as the Hansel and Gretel effect
Children have a sophisticated sleep instinct: they can sleep anywhere UNLESS their parents are tired, or they want to go out leaving them with the hotel sitter or they want ‘intimate relations’ – this law is strictly adhered to and I have no idea how parents manage to have more than one child
They are instinctively bound to eat sausages – any form, as long as it has fat, gristle and is held together by bovine intestines
Vegetables do not fit into said intestines, ergo, children do not eat vegetables (I don’t care what you tell your friends at jungle gym/play group/mother’s wine club). The rule: fibrous material of a plant base cannot be digested.
The icecream pouch in the child’s stomach is never full: it tastes best when it is all over faces, prams, mum’s sunglasses and daddy’s camera
A child’s skin excretes glue: all tissues, napkins and other materials (including sandpaper) used to clean up icecream will only stick to the skin (may remain until adolescence when the chemicals in Clearasil will finally dissolve it)
They will throw tantrums – spontaneous combustion of a screaming kind – this natural imperative is usually expressed in museums, art galleries, concerts and expensive restaurants
It is physically essential that they vomit on boats – usually 9.2 minutes into the journey and over other tourists. Then everyone can smell of regurgitated milk and eggs on toast for the entire 8 hour excursion to exotic islands
They are built to run back and forward across the plaza LONG after daddy wants to stop supervising (if stopped prematurely, refer to the tantrum rule above)
They love their own roller luggage until they hate it. Then it becomes mummy/daddy’s roller luggage (and don’t you look fetching dragging Sponge Bob Square Pants through Frankfurt Airport)
They are psychologically wired to run away – the bigger the crowd or the closer to water, the better their legs function
They fall off stuff: all stuff, all of the time (this is related to Newton’s Law)
The small child’s ear conforms to specific laws of hearing: they cannot hear if you are yelling at them, telling them to be quiet or if you are asking them a question (other than “do you want an icecream?”, “do you want a sausage?”)
They instinctively lie when you ask if they want to go to the toilet (they only wee when they are 33 minutes away from the nearest loo)
If you take all of these universal laws of childhood into account when travelling internationally, you will have a fantastic holiday. Me? I’d stay at home……..