Driving in Cro-land means gripping the wheel like the front bar of a roller-coaster and tightening the sphincter until your bum is so attached to the seat, you make a little sigh of release when you leave the car.
As those of you who have been a passenger in my car will know, I brake all speed limits, park wherever I want and yell very bad words at pretty much all other drivers. In other words, I drive like a European. I am very sadly out of my context on Aussie roads. I love it here, but Cro-man now has a hernia, his butt cheeks have been clenched so tight. Oh well, it’s nothing that a doctor and a few days in hospital won’t fix…….
The true joy of driving in Cro-land is that there are no road rules. Apart from “drive on the right side”, there is absolutely nothing to impinge on the absolute thrill of putting the foot flat to the floor and pushing our little Golf past 120kms. Downhill and with a good breeze behind me, I can get it up to 140kms. Yes, it shakes and screams but it gets there. Going uphill is another matter – both Cro-man and I have to lean forward to get more hopeful weight distribution.
Burning around corners gives me even greater satisfaction. Cro-man lets out a queer whine every so often, but he shouldn’t really have a problem, his eyes are squeezed so tightly shut……
I’m following the instructions of a pommie lady on the GPS. We have reached an understanding that when she says; “You are over the speed limit”, I will turn her down. Cro-man now understands that I am driving the car – not the sultry-toned widget on the dash – and he has adjusted some doovey and now she doesn’t warn me until I go over 150 kms.
She’s also a bit of a pest with her directions. She can become quite sanctimonious if I decide to go my own way. Under these circumstances, Cro-man starts stabbing at the screen with his finger and, in gentle tones, asks me to follow the lady……… So far I have managed to get us to all points on the schedule.
The other drivers are completely mad! Like me, however, they fully appreciate the scope for creative driving that the lack of roads rules provides us. However, passing on blind corners; having no visibility out the rear window because it’s so packed with clothes, kids and camping gear; and, NEVER EVER indicating, are features that have made me pause at times. Cro-man just pulls that sphincter in tighter and whispers incantations of four-letter words under his breath.
Parking? Well that’s just for amateurs. What you need to do is just stop your car. As long as it’s ‘sort of’ off the road, that’s fine. There is nothing wrong in making a four-lane highway into a two-lane road because you want to pull up and pop out to catch the view or have a quick espresso. Driving and parking priorities are a smidge different here.
I have decided that in a previous life I was the headline chariot racer at the Pula Colleseum. Appearing as Sallius Maximus Virgous Scottus, I whipped those gladiators!!!
Until next time………
