So, you’ve bought some Euro-style sunnies, you’ve got the French mani/pedi combo and the chic Euro hair style is moussed, gelled and hair-sprayed into a fashionable helmet. However, you are a cardie wearing, long-socks-with-sandals nerd if you don’t smoke. The non-smoker is even more conspicuous than the women wearing one-piece bathers.

If you want to look part of the scene, then take up smoking. I suggest at least 6 months before you leave home. This will ensure that:

you don’t cough up a lung every time you inhale
that you actually do inhale – loooong inhalations that raise the ribs, flare the nostrils and allow an extended exhalation that you blow out in a 270 degree revolution (it would be even better if you can get a full 360 – think Bogie as Sam Spade crossed with Linda Blair)
you will have had time to practice the ‘look’ – the Euro fag-face is relaxed. I don’t know how they do it, but I didn’t see anyone actually using their facial muscles to suck. The fact that they go around with their head enveloped in fog suggests that they do the inhale/exhale exercise – I just couldn’t see their faces helping in the process in any way.
you can smoke, eat and talk all at once. The Euro head is a complex multi-tasking vestibule. This is crucial to their well-being. At the rate they smoke, they would starve to death if they couldn’t do more than one thing at a time.
The average European consumes about 47.5 cigarettes per day. Although the cigs are skinny things, they have the tar content of Winnie Reds (for those of you who have never smoked, this is the equivalent of one Main Roads tar truck per 2 days). In the future, when the Martian archaeologies are digging up the graves of current Europeans, the lungs will have hardened and, once cut and polished, would make a bright and sparkling addition to the finger of a Martian maiden (this could be drawing a long bow because I am not exactly sure if Martians have fingers).

Euros smoke EVERYWHERE. Because of the unusual arrangement of many toilets (see separate post), I can assure you that this includes men at the wee-station. If it drops in, they just prop their willie on the ceramic edge and light up another one (their fingers have evolved to the point where they can create a flame by clicking their fingers).

The women are the same: shopping for shoes? Smoking. Breast-feeding? Smoking. Kissing your ‘punching-above-his-weight’ boyfriend? Smoking. One couple had their lips locked for quite some time, so the smoke just sort-of seeped out.

At all the ports, when the boats came in, the fishermen have a ciggie hanging out of their mouths as they sort the fish. Gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘smoked cod’.

Please don’t be mistaken, this is not just the Cro. All Europeans waft around. The Italians seem to prefer the rollie – or, as they call it, the ‘custom cigarette’. The Cro-mazons and the midget Italian women make rolling-your-own a work of performance art. The one time that I have tried to ‘custom’ a ciggie, I got a paper cut on my tongue that required a blood transfusion. I had to walk around with my heavily bandaged tongue hanging out for 10 days.

A Euro woman will NEVER make this mistake. Her tongue makes little elegant licks – like a kitten sipping milk. The fact that her head is about to explode with smoke, does not make her look any less gorgeous.

When I get home, I am going to take it up again. I’ll practice in front of the mirror to become pout-perfect. To be on the safe side (I don’t want to ignite my nostril hair), I think I’ll start with cigarette lollies.

Until next time……..